School’s new image mirrors techy region
John Flynn and Jimmy Flynn
THE SANTA CLARA
April 1, 2016
In fall 2016, Santa Clara will unveil a new mascot. Referencing the school’s Silicon Valley home, Bucky the Bronco will be succeeded by “Chippy,” a six-foot tall plush microchip complete with arms, legs and a toothy grin. A reporter salvaged a rough sketch of the new design from a dustbin after watching Father Michael Engh, S.J., toss it away with a conspiratorial glance over his shoulder. After being pressed about the drawing, Engh copped to the change.
“Horses are so last century,” said the university president. “This goes in tandem with our emphasis on STEM education. And we wanted a hip, fresh young face to attract Millennials. Bucky just wasn’t it. His proportions were ridiculous. That gargantuan head and those cold, dead eyes had terrified generations of children.”
In recent weeks, a very expensive, outside consulting firm has been working around the clock on a total revamp of the school’s logos, featuring a burnt orange and swamp green color scheme and a new team name: The Microchips. Complete with a meticulously detailed backstory, Chippy loves iPhone hip holsters, pima cotton polos and $11 lemon poppyseed scones.
True to his inspiration, Chippy will be adorned in a sharp, wire-laden exterior that reaches temperatures of up to 137 degrees after 10 minutes of use. Seeking to overcome the historical silence of mascots, it will be programmed with engaging catchphrases like “Synergy!”, “Save it to the Cloud!” and “Actually, the internship is unpaid.”
Though the administration expects “Chippy Fever” to sweep through campus, the move has attracted some controversy considering the newly-constructed, well-endowed bronze statue that greets visitors with its rear haunch. The $1.8 million piece will be melted down and reshaped into a larger-than-life rendering of recently-ousted basketball coach Kerry Keating—complete with one of his signature, pocketless tailored suits. The new sculpture will cost an additional $1.3 million.
“Sure, on the surface, $3 million might be a bit much. But remember, this is a man who led the basketball program to a sixth place finish in the WCC this year. So, yeah,” said Michael “Mike” Oxhard, Santa Clara’s newly appointed Director of Statue Recycling and Mascot Marketing.
Oxhard feels bullish on the ripe opportunity for Chippy to thrive outside the shadow of his predecessor and establish a bold, profitable new direction for the University.
“If you look at the bigger picture, it’s necessary to make way for Chippy, who will undoubtedly bring countless, priceless benefits. Combine that with honoring our former basketball coach and we just think it’s a slam dunk—pun intended,” Oxhard added with a wink, as he ensured that we wrote that last part down, then asked for our number, which he would call three times over the next two days to hear the quote read back to him verbatim before cackling into the phone and hanging up without another word.
In the end, the administration assumes the full support of the student body will be given, despite the steep, immediate tuition increases needed to pay for the overhaul, and the deep burns that Chippy will inevitably give students eager to snap a pic with the new face of the university.
“We think it will be…hot,” Oxhard quipped while slapping us hard on the back as we exited his makeshift office in a Benson broom closet as asbestos flaked from the ceiling. “Get it? Because the suit’s searing exterior will scald anyone in its remote vicinity. Anyway, it’s a great day to be a Bronco, or a, uh, Microchip.”
Contact John Flynn at firstname.lastname@example.org and Jimmy Flynn at email@example.com or call (408) 554-4852.
By the way, Happy April Fools’ Day!
-From your friends at The Santa Clara