Ditching the distance
Remember when it rained the Sunday before school started? That wasn't just any rain. The moody precipitation was of the "wash away your sins" variety. I know I felt the memory of my summer transgressions (a clingy British hookup, who will now be referred to as "mistake") disappear with the cleansing caress of California drizzle.
We only have nature to thank for ridding us of the guilt-fused shackles that are the memory of summer snafus that usually culminate in the infamous "walk of shame." It's time to open a new chapter of sexual misadventures as the school year spirals closer to midterm anguish.
For those who were in relationships this summer, you may have contemplated the torment of being torn apart from your beau by the utter distress of starting school. You may have remained blissfully unaware until it was time to confront the demons that are long-distance relationships. You may have even attempted to sever ties only to relapse to the thorny friends-with-benefits-in-denial phase just before it was time to move back to campus.
With all the freshmeat -- ahem -- freshmen walking around, it's time to let go of the foolish notion that "you'll still see each other on weekends." That's right; ditch the distance.
Take a cue from the MTV "Real World" -- housemates doing the distance thing end up assuming one or all of three characteristics: whiny, crying, nag constantly on the phone with beau; whiny, crying, psycho who drinks all the time and hits people; whiny, crying, psycho, drunk, whore referred to as "annoying bitch" during confessionals. Do you want to be that person?
Obviously not. To help you out, I've compiled some helpful hints to cope with ditching your long distance relationship.
*Ã Ã Freshmen, choose your friends wisely -- make sure they're hot. Like it or not, our incestuous campus dictates that who you hook up with for the next four years will be from your circle of friends. And hey, being surrounded by beautiful people is a good distraction from the ugly ex.
*Ã Ã Before leaving for the party scene, be sure to clean your room -- you never know who you're going to bring home. You'll know what I'm talking about when Halloween Havoc rolls around.
*Ã Ã Start visiting Malley. Not only is it a social hotspot, you can also get in shape there! Wow your ex during Thanksgiving break with your killer physique.
*Ã Ã If someone appears to be hitting on you, they probably are. Revert to turbo-coquette mode while remaining receptive to hot suitors. Make a move and you'll be rewarded, Petey Pablo style, "ba-da-boom-ba-da-bam-ba-bam!"
*Ã Ã Contact Christopher DaCosta at cdacosta@scu.edu.