End of Athletic Department Revitalizes Campus

John FlynnTHE SANTA CLARAJanuary 8, 2014 [dropcap]O[/dropcap]ver the holidays, Santa Clara students received a lump of coal in their inboxes. Perhaps due to lack of campus spirit, President Michael Engh, S.J., cancelled all future sports funding, a decision that was relayed by the Director of Athletics and Recreation Dan Coonan.

This decision is hitting some of the more privileged students of Santa Clara particularly hard because it is the first time they have ever had anything taken away from them in their life.

Aaron Poor, president of Ruff Riders, was last seen wailing while dressed in sackcloth and covered in ash. Through sobs, he managed to say, “Ruff Riders’ official position is that it was definitely North Korea.”

North Korea has been in the news recently for hacking the emails of Sony executives, but most in the Santa Clara community are confident that an attack like that did not happen here.

Critics have been quick to point out that the massive athletic facilities will be difficult to repurpose into anything useful. However, an anonymous source has leaked a report detailing the university’s plans.

The document, provided exclusively to The Santa Clara, shows tremendous ambition for the facilities and funds opened up by this surprising cut.

First, the Leavey Center’s hardwood floors will have a second life as a world-class dance hall. The report mentions a strong desire to make Santa Clara the “Dance Capital of the World.”

The thousands of bleacher seats will trade Ruff Riders for high-class performing arts patrons who will flock to Santa Clara to attend international competitions or simply to watch renowned Bronco dancers rehearse.

This new emphasis on dance also solves the university’s problem of the already promised scholarships to its student athletes. Since most of these students have meticulously trained their bodies to a high level of agility and grace, they will be folded into the university’s dance program.

Although this may seem unfair and sudden, the plan generously allows student athletes to choose the style of dance they wish to pursue for their remaining years.

The Olympic-sized swimming pool is to be drained and refilled with water from local ponds to create a teeming wetland preserve for some of the area’s endangered species, giving future biology students a convenient opportunity to gain hands-on experience.

Finally, Santa Clara’s verdant soccer fields will be transformed into a massive open-use park, home to a growing fleet of food trucks. Encouraged by the success of the Pony Express, stationed behind O’Connor Hall, Santa Clara’s administration will be turning over more campus space to these mobile eateries.

The food trucks will change on a yearly basis, as “Food Truck Management” will be added to the curriculum of the Leavey School of Business. This upper division course will be open exclusively to seniors, hungry for the opportunity to create, open and operate a food truck within Santa Clara’s notoriously picky culinary atmosphere.

The concrete bleachers will be razed into terraces covered by flooded rice fields similar to those of Longsheng, China, creating a sustainable, local solution to the university’s grain needs.

Santa Clara’s cuts began with the football program after 1992 and the rest of the Athletic Department hung on for a variety of reasons, including Steve Nash’s surprising ascendence and the San Jose Earthquakes’ temporary need of the soccer field.

However, with no future MVP candidates on the horizon and the Earthquakes moving into a new stadium, the stage was set for the final cut.

What had taken many by surprise, now seems to be an intriguing fresh start for the university. Despite these radical plans, many students wonder if this would have happened if they had appreciated their sports while they had them.

John Flynn is a junior English and sociology double major.