Hook-ups: replacing dating?

By Annie Rose Ramos

On your right, a couple walks into Benson holding hands. To your left there's another snuggling at a corner table. The next day, I talk to a couple who has arranged their schedule in order to have all of their classes together.

With these displays of romantic activity, I am acutely aware of something we are deprived of at Santa Clara -- dating!

I try to convince myself that I'm nauseated by the ridiculous attraction that leads people to kiss affectionately in public. But part of me can't help wanting to experience a romantic relationship in college for myself.

However, one problem stands in the way: People are not willing to go through the dating process for a relationship. Instead of dinner dates and time spent together, students often sprint to the bedroom the minute they meet someone and feel a mutual attraction.

Instead of embracing companionship with the opposite sex, young men seem to expect a fully developed sexual relationship, while young women desire connection on an emotional level. These different expectations often leave students feeling confused.

"Especially at this school," remarked freshman Chris Graham, "girls expect to be treated to fancy dinners and quickly want to be committed to exclusive dating."

Jeanne Zeamba, staff psychologist at the Wellness Center, believes the key to successful relationships is for students to hold themselves to their highest standards. She challenges us to set our goals for companionship high, to have a concept of our ideal, and know how we want to be treated.

I was beginning to think I had to lower my standards, but Zeamba's advice was reassuring. It's OK to never settle when it comes to dating.

But what if, in trying to date, there are unexpected ... events?

Here at Santa Clara, many students have "friends with benefits," meaning a sexual arrangement that allows students to get what they want, when they want it, without the monogamy or emotional commitments of dating.

According to Lisa Millora, an assistant dean in the Office of Student Life, the problem is terminology. When both participants agree to some sort of relationship, one could see it as a "boyfriend or girlfriend" and the other could see it as a "person I'm hanging out with." The effects of "friends with benefits" can become dangerous when two people with very different expectations of the relationship come together. This misunderstanding inevitably leads to confusion and hurt.

For young adults who lead structured lives and who aggressively pursue what they want, Millora said, dating is frustrating because there is no formula. In addition, students use drugs and alcohol as an excuse to be social.

"It's frustrating," Graham said, "because there aren't any opportunities for guys to get to know girls without the involvement of alcohol. Girls and guys don't just chill here and talk!"

But it doesn't have to be about alcohol or sex. College students have a strong sexual drive at their age, Zeamba points out, but both men and women have the ability to control it.

However, many students don't seem to try. To my disappointment, this "friends with benefits" arrangement we have concocted at Santa Clara has replaced traditional dating, and many students participate without hesitation.

"Dating" scares people. They become committed, realize that a meaningful relationship actually takes work -- work that students aren't willing to put in.

We all have expectations from ourselves and our significant other, and rightly so. It is essential to make sure you and your guy or girl are on the same page when it comes to commitment -- emotional and sexual -- in order to avoid frustration and potential dating disaster.

In college, people are not always sure of what they want, Millora said. But to truly date, you must know yourself and your comfort limits. There is no sense giving up your own morals and expectations for a relationship you are not sure about anyway.

Annie Rose Ramos is a sophomore English major.