In Discussions About Identity, Empathy is Essential

Challenge theories, not classmates

Santa Clara students are no strangers to intimate class discussions. With an undergraduate population of 5,500 and a student to faculty ratio of 10 to one, the university’s community lends itself to this form of in-class conversation. In many humanities and social science classes, they serve as the foundation of a course. Even STEM majors, thanks to the university’s core requirements, are bound to find themselves in a class setting like this at least a few times throughout their undergraduate career. 

Many of these classes, in one form or another, focus on racial issues—and that’s a good thing. Our nation’s history is steeped in racial injustices that manifest in our current systems, attitudes and structures. These are ideologies we need to be learning about and conversations we need to have.

How we have these conversations, however, is equally important. While healthy disagreement and the questioning of theories is generally productive, disrespecting individuals is not. No one should feel as though their lived experience as an individual who has experienced racism or sexism—or any “ism,” for that matter—is up for debate by someone “playing devil’s advocate.” On too many occasions, students are aggressively questioned about their perception of mistreatment. “In my opinion, they weren’t being racist” or “do you have any evidence to back up your claims?” are a few common responses to students sharing their personal experiences. 

There is a difference between being critical of a theory, and being critical of a person. Questioning, doubting and researching theories is integral to intellectual growth. The interrogation of personal experience, however, is both unproductive and inappropriate in a setting that should be safe and welcoming. Class discussions can be painfully exhausting and deeply disheartening when peers attempt to refute personal experiences—either with “facts” and “evidence,” or their own interpretation of another person’s experience.

Unfortunately, this dynamic is reflective of larger-scale issues. First, the discomfort white people have with admitting that racism exists. A study conducted by the Pew Research Center found that eight in 10 Black people say that racism is a significant problem in American society, whereas only 55% of white people echo that sentiment. In her book, “White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard For White People To Talk About Racism,” Robin DiAngelo explains that white people are reluctant to admit implicit bias, and thus eager to deny the reality of racism. 

It is this cycle of guilt, defensiveness and denial that leads people to reply to stories of racism with invalidating statements that claim a person’s race has nothing to do with the mistreatment they experienced. For people trying to understand the intricacies of their identity and make sense of their experiences, comments like these can be incredibly harmful. 

Refuting someone’s experience, consequently making them doubt their own instincts, is a form of psychological abuse commonly referred to as gaslighting. In “Sway,” a book about unconscious bias, Dr. Pragya Agarwal explains the psychological abuse of racial gaslighting. It is both maddening and disempowering, she says, to be told—by people who have never experienced racism—that you are imagining it. She adds that gaslighting is about gaining the upper hand, and racial gaslighting thus functions through white supremacy and the existing racialized hierarchies in our society.

Comments like these also reflect the misguided idea that peer-reviewed social science theories can be proven and disproven with anecdotal evidence and opinions. This is a trend we’ve seen play out time and time again on social media. One experience or opinion—coming from either side—holds little weight against theories that have been challenged, reviewed and expanded by scholars for decades. 

People who share their experiences with racism in a class setting aren’t claiming to make some grand statement, but rather to share how their personal experiences fit within a certain theory or framework. 

And more importantly, to share how that experience made them feel. 

Learning the academic language to describe a personal experience within the context of broader systems of inequality can be incredibly validating, and even cathartic. Invalidating someone’s individual experience with your opinion does nothing to disprove a theory and only causes emotional harm to the individual.

To become more empathetic, respectful and understanding people, we must not only listen to but value each other’s experiences.