It’s Okay To Be Alone

How an unsolicited restaurant therapy session changed my perspective on alone time

Sitting in my happy place, Mendocino Farms, an employee approached me. They started an uncomfortable conversation that left me somewhat speechless. My first thought after he walked away was, what the hell?

I was picking up lunch for my roommate and myself a couple weeks ago and was sitting alone at a table, waiting for our food. After fifteen minutes had passed, I was approached by an employee, who said the following:

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you have been sitting here a long time by yourself and look really depressed and mentally not okay. So for whatever you are struggling with mentally, I just want to let you know you are going to get through it and you can definitely push through it. We can help you.

Is anyone else aware of Mendocino Farms offering mental health services as a side to the half sandwich, half salad combo?

Confused about what was said to me, thinking I was just casually sitting by myself on my phone, I had a million thoughts about how I am perceived by others and why it was seen as bad to be sitting by myself. I did not know how to respond. Feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed, I responded with:

I am actually just waiting for my lunch. Their response: Oh, well can I offer you a cookie because of the long wait time?

Food for thought: a cookie can cure depression. At least at Mendocino Farms.

They assumed I was depressed because I was by myself. In a way, I was bothered by the fact that someone could make these conclusions about mental health so quickly without even knowing me. Equating being alone to loneliness is toxic and perpetuates the notion that to be happy is to be constantly social.

The encounter made me question how I am perceived by others and even how I perceive people. Transitioning from high school, I was thrown into online school where it was normal to be alone — it was the culture that the pandemic created.

But specifically upon arriving on campus last spring quarter, I felt I had to be surrounded by others to have a sense of belonging.

I realized over the pandemic how important and normal it is to be by yourself, so I was surprised that this mindset seemed to have changed in others once everything opened up again. Many people need alone time, and no one should be judged or have presumptions made about them for simply sitting alone.

However, it is easy to buy into the reasoning that because someone is by themself, they are lonely. I think this assumption is so rashly made due to the constant stream of media conditioning us to think that being together is always the norm.

Instagram and Snapchat contribute to the mindset that being together means you cannot be sad. It is the posts with groups, friends, or family that are most rewarded because you cannot be discerned as being lonely.

Unfortunately, there is a negative connotation connected to being alone in today’s clique-centered society. Sometimes being alone is so important for one’s mental health, and it doesn’t mean someone is struggling. Not being reliant on friends and social situations is vital because being content with yourself requires being alone.

This is, of course, easy to say and preach to others. I am not always comfortable with being alone, but it is normal to others. Thus, comparing ourselves to others is what contributes to assumptions about others' mental health. Being alone shouldn’t put a target on your back that lets people make assumptions about your well-being. Everyone needs different things to be happy.

Santa Clara students shouldn’t feel like they are missing out or are antisocial if they aren’t on Bellomy every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. They also shouldn’t feel pressured to go to Benson with a group of friends every time they want to eat because they don’t want to appear lonely. And yes, this is a real concern among students.

I am still working on improving my level of comfort when I am by myself, and I am trying not to pressure myself into thinking that I constantly need to be around friends to feel connected. I realize now that this is important during the transition to college and that being alone shouldn’t have a stigma attached to it.

I was not expecting such a thoughtful Mendocino Farms experience. But after rejecting my consolation cookie, I found that some reflection on a less-than-successful therapy session helped me gain some perspective on how normal it should be to be alone sometimes.