Players' offseason antics overshadow NBA playoffs

By Grant Hughes

Don't view anything written here as a prediction. That would indicate I'm predicting who's going to win this year's NBA Playoffs. There are so many more interesting topics to discuss than the possible outcomes of the four remaining series.

We can start by guessing the pastimes the Boston Celtic players will take up this summer. Paul Pierce will spend at least all of July in a dark room, cursing Antoine Walker for learning to play basketball. Have you seen Walker play? Venture down to the YMCA and watch that one fat guy who insists on bringing the ball up the court, fires off-balance, 30 foot airballs, pouts and moans, plays no defense, and still thinks he's clearly the best player on the floor.If you think I'm exaggerating, just look at Walker's body. Everyone except Walker knows that Pierce is the best player on his team, arguably among the league's top 10. The most sickening thing about Walker, and that fat guy at the YMCA for that matter, is that occasionally, they'll hit a big shot, or get on an offensive roll. Where's Walker right now? Check the Y.

I don't know how far the Sixers will go, but I hope Allen Iverson spends his whole summer in an ice bath. AI takes a beating none of us can imagine every minute he's on the floor and he's going to need to recuperate. Besides that, it's a lot harder for him to threaten relatives with guns when he's half frozen. I'm just looking out for his family.

Ron Artest's off season has already started, and you've got to wonder what he's done with his free time. Is he still in the locker room at Conseco Fieldhouse, firing himself up for the second half of game 9, which takes place entirely in his head? He's kind of like a Vietnam Vet that way. It's never really over for Ron. Do you think he even knows his Pacers have been eliminated? He's that far gone.The guy went from a bruiser with a nice overall game to a total basket case in a season and a half. What's real scary is that the crazier he gets, the better he plays. Although I wonder if he's as good a defender as his reputation would have you believe. It's entirely possible that the guy he's guarding is just afraid to make him angry by scoring on him. I only hope he stays away from children and old ladies this summer. Again, I'm just looking out.

Orlando's Shawn Kemp will have the busiest off season of any NBA player. Working on that 17 footer he always settles for nowadays? No. Trying to lose the weight that turned him from a 6-10 All-Star into Al Roker? Afraid not. Kemp will spend his summer touring the country, visiting with the youth of America. His youth of America. Kemp has more illegitimate children than Iverson has tattoos. From Seattle to Cleveland to Orlando, there are little Shawns running around everywhere. It's rumored that he's even got a few kids overseas, though China and India requested he not enter their borders, due to their already out-of-control population growth. Kudos to you Mr. Kemp, for putting the kids first.

If you're looking to catch the Orlando Magic out and about this summer, check the cereal aisle at your local grocery store. I imagine they'll be digging through every box of Lucky Charms, hoping to find hearts. Has a team ever folded the way they did against the Pistons in round one? Up 3-1 against maybe the worst No. 1 seed in NBA playoff history and they blow it. How does this happen? The Pistons simply played a lot harder than the gutless Magic. Detroit isn't any more skilled than Orlando. The Magic have Tracy McGrady for crying out loud! He can't be stopped without kryptonite.

So, as the playoffs roll on, try not to get too upset if the team you're rooting for takes a tough loss. Remember that the NBA is meant to entertain, and know that most of the time, it does a better job of that when the players aren't playing games.

Think of all the court cases, failed ventures into the music industry, and late night incidents at clubs. Who cares which team wins the title this year? I just want the playoffs to end so Shaq can devote more of his time to shooting Nestle Crunch commercials.

We can only wonder about what the rest of the players will do.