Topknots: The Latest Fashion Travesty

Eddie Solis Jr.THE SANTA CLARAApril 9, 2015 

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]here is an epidemic spreading through the population of young men in our country. It’s grabbing them by the short-hairs and not letting them go. This unforgiving plague has even made some of our fellow Broncos its victims.

I’m not talking about a venereal disease or an unpredictable drug wave that has crashed onto the scene. I’m talking about the latest of ridiculous trends that our generation is so well known for — the incomprehensible hairstyle known as the male topknot.

Let’s make one thing clear, there are two types of haircuts associated with this name, and one of them is certainly a symbol of all that is wrong with Generation Y. To make things simple, let’s establish a difference between the man bun and the male topknot.

The man bun is simply long hair put up in a bun and just happens to be worn by a male. This is a perfectly acceptable hairstyle. In fact, it looks really good on some people.

Just look at Jared Leto: He’s got the long, flowing hair of an angel, but can slick it back into a bun when he goes to fancy award shows. It’s the kind of hairstyle that makes you look like a really relaxed, easy-going person, but can clean up nicely when the occasion calls for it. This guy is probably always down for a pick-up game and doesn’t take life too seriously. I can see myself having a beer with this gent.

Now the topknot boys are a completely different breed of human being. These guys care about how good they look much more than anyone else ever will. They’re the guys who walk into a room and expect everyone to immediately take notice. They’re probably even taking a drag from their e-cig because, let’s face it, they don’t really want to be here right now, but are doing us a favor by gracing us with their presence. Their self-interest is at almost Kanye-esque levels.

Their haircuts are a reflection of their personality: something you have to notice whether you want to or not.

Once the sides of their hair are buzzed, almost bare to the skin, the barber then makes an artificial part on each side, and the top of their hair is grown out long and pulled back into a bun — not even a bun, but rather a nub of hair. It’s like the hair of an 8-month-old baby girl whose parents are trying to make a cute bun to show the world how pretty their little girl is.

It’s also reminiscent of Kevin from “Up,” but far less likeable. Even Kim Jong-un is one step away from having a topknot. Do you really want the North Koreans to win?

I’m sure by now your Kevin feathers are ruffled and you’re thinking to yourself, “You don’t even know me, bro. You’re making me sound like a tool. Not true!” Well perhaps not, but try meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time with that hair and tell me what kind of image you give off.

Really, this article is an attempt to save you a lot of trouble. So consider these words a sort of intervention. I’m just going to say one word to put this whole thing into perspective: mullet.

The topknot is this generation’s mullet. You may think it looks good, but a few years down the road you’re going to see pictures of yourself and really regret your grooming decisions. Reality check: You’re not Irish hearthrob actor Colin Farrell, you never will be and even a bombshell like him can’t pull off such a ridiculous hairstyle.

If you want an edgy look, grow your hair out evenly around into a man bun with no shaved sides. Maybe grow out a beard or get a piercing. Just stop the topknot madness.

We get it. You like to be adventurous with your looks and ahead of the trend, but this is one style that the human race should never speak of again.

Eddie Solis Jr. is a senior communication and English double  major and the Scene Editor for The Santa Clara.